Sometimes there are no words but His:
Gratitude; Part of the Light of Christ
Until I had Jesus and the church in my life I lived in the shadows. I wasn’t willing to let my guard down and truly enjoy or grieve things. I always kept the thought in my mind that I would be let down so I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I didn’t have a true understanding of trust. I was putting my trust in myself and in other humans, this leads to disappointment. When I chose to put my trust in God I was shown that He will never disappoint. I was given the light of gratitude which produces joy, peace, and hope. I will still experience pain and suffering but I can see past that because of the joy He has blessed me with. The joy in knowing Him. The joy in His beautiful creation. The joy in the promise of eternal life with Him.
Before opening up to God I missed out on a lot of true joy. I didn’t allow Jesus to fully shine in me. I thought I was protecting myself from pain and suffering but I was guarding myself from His blessings. Experiencing pain without the joy of God holds no hope. That is what draws me to Christ. The light of hope that can’t be burned out. The peace and the joy He gives that can be shared over and over and never run out.
This wall around my heart robbed others of joy too. The hugs I held back. The smiles I froze before they crept across my face. The words of praise I swallowed. The excitement I kept inside. The tears I didn’t shed with another…
There are people I know who can’t hold back their joy. It radiates from them. They have so much pure joy and peace that even in horrendous situations their eyes still glow with a light that can only be Jesus shining from within them. He lights the world around them showing them all the good that exists and these joy-filled people are grateful. They are grateful for every good that they see because they do not drown in the darkness they seek out things to be grateful for.
I think that the light of Christ is flickering in me and I continue to fan it and fuel it in hopes that the rest of that wall will be burned away and I will be able to fully embrace and share His light with others. It is a gift that each of us can receive from Him and as it burns brighter inside of us it can be a light to others who are looking for peace, joy, and hope.
I have started a gratitude journal. It is amazing how it changes your outlook. It has become a concrete way of fanning the light of Christ inside me. Everyday it is a new challenge to find moments to be grateful for. To seek them out and thank God for them in prayer.
Here’s a little sample from my gratitude journal:
For new pink rubber boots and the little feet that went into them
For big sister who held hands with the little ones and splashed in spring puddles
For the smell of dinner
For a case of the giggles with my big kids
For the moment we both got up with the baby in the night
At times the things to be grateful for are so small they may be overlooked if they are not being sought intentionally. The things to put on the list can be difficult when anger, fear, or doubt are clouding the view and at the same time there is never so dark a day we can’t find something to be grateful for. Jesus gives thanks at the Last Supper. He knows what is coming; His betrayal by friends, His arrest, His torture, His crucifixion and yet He gives thanks. He shows us how to be grateful for all the good that God has blessed us with. He gives us light to shine in the shadows and encourages us to be grateful.
Give Until It Hurts
It’s not a new thing for me to give away old clothes. I often, ok maybe every few years, will stuff a bag or a box full of old things I don’t wear anymore and drop them off at a second-hand shop or a women’s shelter. It is not usually very difficult. I don’t really like the stuff anymore and that is why it goes.
This box of clothes is different. It is filled with clothes that belonged to my mom. Things she wore. Things that touched her and absorbed her warmth. Things that protected her from the chill and the rain. She has been gone for a little over a year and these clothes at first sat in my dresser or in my closet. I wore some of them and plan to keep a couple of things but the truth is they don’t fit me and so keeping them is keeping them away from someone who might really use them. Her scent is gone from them. They now smell like anything thing else in my house. Looking at them doesn’t bring her back. She doesn’t magically fill them up and talk to me when I hold them up. Why then is it so hard to put them in the car and take them away?
I think of the two women we heard about in church this past Sunday. One is ready to prepare her last meal for herself and her son when the Lord asks her to share with Elijah. Knowing it is all the food she has left she chooses to trust the Lord. He does not disappoint as her flour and oil replenish until the drought ends giving her, her son, and Elijah enough food to survive. The other women gives all she has to the church. Just two small coins. They gave it all and I am merely struggling with giving from my surplus. It helps to put my dilemma into perspective. I am not even close to giving all that I have. It isn’t even all that I have left of my mom, just her clothes. Which she has no need for because she is now clothed in God’s love for all eternity.
It is difficult to part with things, because it hurts. It’s not the things I will miss it’s the memories they conjure up. It puts lump in my chest and bring tears to the corners of my eyes to even think about giving her things away. However it is November and Thanksgiving is approaching. I spent almost 40 Thanksgivings with my mom and this will be the second one that I can’t spend with her. We always shared what we were grateful for at the Thanksgiving table. I clearly remember that last Thanksgiving I spent with her. We thought her cancer was in remission and with tears in our eyes and big smiles on our lips we all said how grateful we were to be there together. Not knowing for sure it was our last but knowing that it was a possibility that it would be the last Thanksgiving we would spend together. In this world of violence, division, and lack of love I am grateful that I grew up in a family where love for me was plenty! I am going to take a deep breath and have my husband take this box to a local women’s shelter where these clothes can give a little bit of dignity and love to women in need. Even though it hurts my mom would be grateful to be a part of this gift.
Ultimate Destination Heaven 