Until I had Jesus and the church in my life I lived in the shadows. I wasn’t willing to let my guard down and truly enjoy or grieve things. I always kept the thought in my mind that I would be let down so I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I didn’t have a true understanding of trust. I was putting my trust in myself and in other humans, this leads to disappointment.  When I chose to put my trust in God I was shown that He will never disappoint.  I was given the light of gratitude which produces joy, peace, and hope.  I will still experience pain and suffering but I can see past that because of the joy He has blessed me with.   The joy in knowing Him.  The joy in His beautiful creation.  The joy in the promise of eternal life with Him.

Before opening up to God I missed out on a lot of true joy. I didn’t allow Jesus to fully shine in me. I thought I was protecting myself from pain and suffering but I was guarding myself from His blessings.  Experiencing pain without the joy of God holds no hope.  That is what draws me to Christ. The light of hope that can’t be burned out. The peace and the joy He gives that can be shared over and over and never run out.

This  wall around my heart robbed others of joy too. The hugs I held back. The smiles I froze before they crept across my face. The words of praise I swallowed.  The excitement I kept inside. The tears I didn’t shed with another…

There are people I know who can’t hold back their joy. It radiates from them.  They have so much pure joy and peace that even in horrendous situations their eyes still glow with a light that can only be Jesus shining from within them.  He lights the world around them showing them all the good that exists and these joy-filled people are grateful.  They are grateful for every good that they see because they do not drown in the darkness they seek out things to be grateful for.

I think that the light of Christ is flickering in me and I continue to fan it and fuel it in hopes that the rest of that wall will be burned away and I will be able to fully embrace and share His light with others.  It is a gift that each of us can receive from Him and as it burns brighter inside of us it can be a light to others who are looking for peace, joy, and hope.

I have started a gratitude journal. It is amazing how it changes your outlook.  It has become a concrete way of fanning the light of Christ inside me.  Everyday it is a new challenge to find moments to be grateful for.  To seek them out and thank God for them in  prayer.

Here’s a little sample from my gratitude journal:

For new pink rubber boots and the little feet that went into them

For big sister who held hands with the little ones and splashed in spring puddles

For the smell of dinner

For a case of the giggles with my big kids

For the moment we both got up with the baby in the night

 At times the things to be grateful for are so small they may be overlooked if they are not being sought intentionally.  The things to put on the list can be difficult when anger, fear, or doubt are clouding the view and at the same time there is never so dark a day we can’t find something to be grateful for.  Jesus gives thanks at the Last Supper.  He knows what is coming; His betrayal by friends, His arrest, His torture, His crucifixion and yet He gives thanks.  He shows us how to be grateful for all the good that God has blessed us with.  He gives us light to shine in the shadows and encourages us to be grateful.